This update is way, way overdue.

From now on I intend to make this my private blog/journal/diary, whatever you wish to name it. I’m going to be completely open about my life, so I expect anyone (in particular those reading that know me IRL) to keep the information contained within this (and every) journal here out, to themselves, and not to confide any of this information to anyone in respect of my own privacy.
And with that said, let me enthral you all with the events so far.

Since my last journal entry, I would say mentally I’ve changed an incredible amount.
So, the last time I updated was over a year ago, in fact, the 12th of July to be exact.
I’m still working as a Software (Production) developer/Document composer for one of the largest firms within Cornwall. I’m finding it okay, my skills are certainly improving and my boss is implementing a further training plan for me, currently I can develop in C#, a little Javascript, and also PrintNet which incorporates a lot of the aforementioned languages. I’m going to be learning C over the coming months to give me an appreciation for what the ‘higher level’ programming languages actually achieve, such being memory management, what the compiler’s actually doing for me, etc. After this I suspect I will be learning C++ along with being sent on an advanced scripting course.

Speaking of which, it seems since I last completed the first part of the three stages to my NVQ (which would’ve brought me up to degree standard) the college have cancelled the Software Development courses that comprised ALL of my training plan, to which I am becoming increasingly disgruntled by the whole situation, and I will elaborate shortly.
I’d been pressuring my workplace into finding alternatives to my NVQ progression since it became doubtful that I’d be continuing in the same fashion as I had been for the past year. My boss and his superiors seem to be darting around the place at such a frequent pace, that you might as well pull out a ‘Where’s Wally’ book and hastily guess the country that my boss resides in at the current time. It seems with the recession and the increasingly harsh economical climate that we find ourselves in (especially residents of the UK, such as myself) that my managers and directors are scattered all over the place in attempts to bring new business into our company. It appears my boss has taken upon more of a salesman role than a directive role, as my manager. This has made it increasingly difficult to get a hold of him and as a result I decided to raise a grievance over the whole situation.

Fortunately, my HR Manager is a lovely woman whom has helped me to no end to try to get this sorted, and as a result my boss is now constructing a training plan for the next 12 months. Whilst my NVQ isn’t a viable option due to the lack of courses within both the Cornwall college chain and the independent college at Truro. I have decided to look elsewhere in hopes that I could spark up a course which I could individually work on (with my workplace financing it) over the next year or so. My boss seems adamant that unless it’s specifically to do with the print industry (and I KNOW for a fact that he’s referencing the Software packages that we use alongside basic development tools such as MS VS) I won’t be able to do it. I feel incredible frustrated by this, and messed about, as I know I’m an intelligent individual, disciplined and perfectly capable of studying of my own accord at a relatively quick pace. My aspirations I think are above my bosses aspirations for me, and it wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t actively seek out these distance learning courses myself, meh.

So, I had a lengthy discussion with my boss; I am quite a headstrong individual in these times, and I don’t tend to back down (within reason of course). He upset me through what he said, he claimed that I didn’t do enough for the company, and need to ‘give more back for what I take’ – This is absolutely ludicrous – I give 110% effort in everything I do, and I told him to clarify this with the account managers that I liaise with on a frequent basis, as I was completely outraged by this. He then went on to say (and I felt he was running in circles here) that I am progressing fine and he has no problems with the work that I’m doing, in fact I exceed his expectations (WTF?). He then went on and suggested (or rather stated...) that I do more work outside of hours to compliment what I currently do, needless to say he’s not a very affable individual. Apparently that’s what he meant by ‘taking but not giving back’. Well, I’m sorry, but I’m perfectly within my own rights to disagree, and many people agree with me. After all, both my workplace and the college didn’t adhere to my apprentice contract in place, if that can’t be respected and I can’t be given much in the way of the formal training that I was promised then I don’t see how I can be expected to work additional hours.
I stay over on the odd occasion to ensure that my production jobs are running fine, but I don’t intend for this to become a regular fixture.

Anyway, whilst that is all in jeopardy, as I was saying, my boss is constructing a proper training plan. This will involve me having one day a week to solely concentrate on studying C and fundamental programming concepts, whilst the other four will continue in the current trend of overseeing production jobs, developing and document composition. (Fair enough, it’s a plan, and quite sensible).

As for the scope beyond my apprenticeship, I wouldn’t say the forecast is too bright. The ‘mothership’ as I like to call them has frozen recruitment, and sections are having to do without when people leave due to natural disposal. Therefore, before the company renews my contract, technically I will be unemployed, this will more than likely result in no new contract as unfortunately the CEOs have governing power over our UK MD. Despite our disagreements, my boss has said that he has no intention of getting rid of me, as he thinks that I’m an intelligent individual that can go far and feels it would be a waste, but we will have to see.
Anyway, all the adsidfoinwrgiosnfamdlkamwld content out of the way, let’s focus on a different topic.

I have recently begun my Japanese classes at Truro as I thought this would help me to engage with more people socially, as well as provide me with a MFL qualification should I see it through. I had my first lesson last Monday, which went really well in my opinion; people there range from (about) 17-18 up to around 55 years of age. I went with my work colleague as he wanted to participate and learn the language as well; I believe he intends to head over to Japan in the next couple of years to explore and wants to know the essentials of the language to help with communication boundaries where present. Anyway, as for the lesson, I went in and there were about 8 individuals to begin with, ending up with around 13 within 5 minutes of us arriving. It was peculiar but also very pleasant – A girl named Rose walked in the door, there were seats free, yet she decided to pull up a seat on the edge of my table (Lol). She seems a very kind-hearted individual, sociable, though quiet, and rather attractive . We spoke (it turns out she's a newly qualified Doctor! How awesome is that?), and I helped her to understand the sentence structure, as our sensei (teacher) was going a little fast due to the nature of the course (most of it being self-taught with the basics/fundamentals being taught in class). I believe I’m already ahead of my class somewhat as I’d self studied the material that most learnt in our class on Monday previously when I looked into it. The first lesson mostly involved learning general phrases, the numerics, sentence structure and basic sounds. For £130 it works out around £5 a lesson, which is typically 2 hours long. I have my next lesson this coming Monday evening (tomorrow), and I’m really enthusiastic and of course, looking forward to it.

What else can I say? Well, this is a particularly sensitive subject for me, but nevertheless I did promise that I’d keep this as my open journal/diary/whateveryouwanttocallit. You see, I suffer from quite bad anxiety/panic and as a result I’m almost always ill at ease, worst still, I find it can be extremely debilitating. It’s a combination of physiological and psychological factors that affect me daily, but overall leaves me feeling extremely fatigued most of the time, so much so it makes it incredibly difficult to concentrate on literally anything sometimes. Maybe I will elaborate at a later stage. I now have techniques for attempting to manage it amongst other things, plus i’ve challenged my dysfunctional thought patterns which has helped me to abolish my negative thinking. Anyway, moving swiftly on.

I’ve also found that my knowledge of Psychology as a result of me deciding to pick it up as an interest/hobby (partly due to the above) as it were has advanced at such a fast rate. I’m almost extremely tempted to opt to take it as an ‘A’ level part time next year. I really do feel that it’d be a breeze given how much knowledge I’ve acquired on the subject, and I’ve also glanced at three examining body’s syllabi (WJEC (that I believe Truro run), OCR (that I believe the Cornwall college branch runs), and AQA (for essence)) and I really do think that I know most of it. Lol, in fact, for a time I was considering (if my Software dev stuff fell through) becoming a Psychologist (properly, gaining official ‘Chartered’ status), but the problem is, it takes literally YEARS to become a proper Psychologist registered with the BPS. To gain the essential chartered status, one has to study an honours degree in Psychology (BPS certified of course!), up to doctorate level studies (and also, two years additional training in the area of Psychology an individual wishes to ‘major’ in, so to speak e.g. educational psychology, clinical psychology, counselling psychology , etc).

Now, to what happens from next year. I’ve been contemplating this for a while, but the idea of possibly becoming a Paramedic really appeals to me. I’ve researched it and everything, plus I have contacts. I intend from next year (this is, if my workplace keeps me on, although my plans will probably alter significantly (but still on the same path, perhaps) if they don’t, I intend to take an ‘A’ level a year, relevant to this area of study. It will most likely include Chemistry, Human Biology, and Psychology (for the points, plus it’s another Science, so looking good). I have AS levels in several subjects, and whilst at respectable grades, I still intend on getting full ‘A’ levels in the above subjects. I’m not depressed anymore for one, so these will be much easier. The traditional approach IMO is more reputable than the access courses a lot of colleges provide, and TBH the entry requirements aren’t too difficult to match. I may change my mind as nothing’s set in stone, but it’s an idea, an additional career path if the current situation doesn’t emerge as I want it to. I have researched full time courses for Software Development, but they just don’t have them locally at the level I’m after. I could do a Computer Science degree, but I’m increasingly finding that businesses rely on robust Software packages, and therefore the demand for developers is in fact going down, whereas something along the lines of a Paramedic – The population is forever expanding, and everyone is going to be in need of a HPC certified Paramedic. I will most probably leave my funds continuing to build for several years, I have a stable income ATM, and I’m ensuring to save as much as I can. This is just an idea, but studying Paramedical Science does seem like a very appealing option, and has its benefits. The potential to be on a work placement several hundred miles up North in the third year (if it isn’t possible locally) doesn’t, however. We will have to see. I’m still considering different things, and for the minute what I’m doing is fine. I have been driving for 2 years pretty much now, so not long until I have a clean license for a whole three years (w00t), although I would need to take my C1 add-on test for my license if i were to take this route (this is now required to drive Ambulances).

**Another option that I'm considering is perhaps taking an Access course to HE Science (A little contrary to the above, maybe, but always another idea), alongside the Chem 'A' level and study for a BSc in Chemistry and eventually obtain a job as a Chemist. This wouldn't be easy (in regards both levels), but recently I've been viewing the material and the current specification for OCR A, and again, it seems it really appeals to me. I've ordered the OCR course book so I'll work through that until next year (I know Truro run the course, so I can carry out my practical work there, also on the OCR A specification). I'm more familiar with Chem than Physics: for example when I studied my AS levels given that most of my Applied Science double award GCSE was Chemistry (titrations, flame experiments etc) with barely any of it being Physics-oriented, I suppose I'm at an advantage. We shall see, but yet another option if things should fall through, or if I feel a change is wanted in the next couple of years. I'm never too old after all.

I’m feeling relatively positive about my life right now, I have some absolutely amazing, and wonderful friends that would bend over backwards for me, and vice-versa, some may in fact read this. You know who you are. Also, I've recognised who I am, as well as my strengths/weaknesses. I really do believe anything is obtainable providing you put your mind to it and you have a fair amount of Int.

I have had a few unfortunate experiences over the past 6 months, emotionally I was distraught, but I’ve bounced back, and I’m a strong individual, I really don’t take shit from anyone anymore. I deserve to be respected, and loved all the same, and that’s mutual, so it works both ways. I’ve been fucked with for too many years for it to continue anymore. I’m glad I have my friends, they give me strength. They are impeccable in many ways <3.

Now, as for films and the like. I’ve watched a handful of films which I’ve adored over these past few months, some of which I know others have seen (looking Saskia’s way here ), ‘District 9’, ‘Inglorious Basterds’ and ‘Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince’ to name several that I’ve particularly enjoyed. I absolutely loved Harry Potter, since the 5th film, it’s really worked – Thank God for David Yates. The final two instalments should be arriving in cinemas throughout Q2 and Q4 next year. I had exact dates but I CBA to find them right now. Awww, I felt so sorry for Hermione, I have to be honest, but given that I know how it all ends... Well... I won’t say anymore for those who haven’t read the final book. Also can’t forget Snape... The typical ‘anti-hero’ icon . LOL, the whole ‘half blood prince’ thing was barely mentioned in the film, and they did miss parts out, but I try to look at it as a separate entity, to which I think they did a magnificent job.’ Inglorious Basterds’ is also an epic film, of epic proportions – no less! Historically accurate, the bits that were true. It’s essentially Quentin Tarantino’s take on how he would’ve wanted WWII to have ended.

Apologies if any of this is laced with confusing digressions, I’m not feeling in a particularly conducive state for writing with a lot of coherency.

Blah, I always tend to write essays... Oh well, it’s a skill in its own right I suppose...
Perhaps I’ll also take my fourth new ‘A’ level in English language (Several people have suggested this to me prior to me writing this journal... Haha).

Well, signing off, and thanks for reading.
As I say, please to not dissipate this information amongst anyone else, after all, it’s entirely private, divulge it as you want, but I would like to think people would have an ounce of kindness in respecting a single wish that I have.

Whilst my journals may be a rather scarce event, I will update when I feel it’s needed, and I promise with the whole of my heart that I haven’t forgotten any of you.

Take care, and promise me you’ll all look after yourselves.

I would love to hear from you all, comments are well received and appreciated.

And remember folks, “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are”.

Grae.
‘dum spiro, spero’